TIMOTHY FORD, M.A., M.F.T.“Do We Need Couples Counseling?”
Some couples engage in couples counseling “proactively”– not because they feel they have problems, but because they see counseling as an investment in their relationship and a process to develop good skills, especially communication.
More often though, couples consider counseling when they have concerns about their relationship, or are experiencing conflict. At some point or another many couples often wonder, “do we really need counseling?”
In his bestselling book, “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail”, relationship expert John Gottman identified four key factors that predict problems in relationships– in some cases, even divorce. Gottman referred to these factors as the “four horsemen” of what might be important warning signs or even the harbingers of “relationship apocalypse”:
- Criticism involves attacking another person’s personality or character. Criticism is different than complaining (sometimes called “constructive criticism”) which involves expressing dissatisfaction with a specific behavior. An example of criticism versus the expression of a healthy complaint might be: I’m frustrated when you don’t help me with household responsibilities versus “You’re the laziest person I know!”
- Contempt means intentional insult or psychological abuse to partner. In other words, showing contempt basically means saying things to intentionally hurt your partner. Contemptuous body language shows up a lot in couples therapy, mirroring what likely occurs at home. Some examples of contemptuous body language might be: heavy sighs, rolling eyes, sneering, laughing maliciously. Contempt damages relationships because it begins to negate positive feelings partner’s have for each other.
- Defensiveness is a natural response to criticism and contempt. Leads to thinking of oneself as right and partner as wrong. Excuses, justification, and return accusations.
- Stonewalling is another common reaction to criticism and contempt. Over time, we may develop the tendency or even habit of being “checked out” or “tuning out” during conflict or emotional conversations.
Effective counseling can help couples identify and address these dynamics, as well as common issues such as intimacy, trust and financial conflict.
Outside of counseling, there are some simple things you can do to prevent or reverse some of these dynamics in your relationship:
- When expressing frustration or even anger with your partner, focus on behavior, not character.
- I often encourage my clients to leave the ideas of “right or wrong” to the courts, and outside your relationship. Try eliminating words like right, wrong, should and shouldn’t from your vocabulary when communicating about your relationship. Focus on what you like and prefer, or don’t like– again in terms of behavior, not character.
- Guard against contempt, in both your verbal and non-verbal language. Learn to monitor your feelings and take a break if your feelings overwhelm your good judgment in what you say and perhaps more importantly, how you say it.
- Develop self-awareness (mindfulness) of your own tendency to “tune out”– especially in emotionally-charged conversations or conflict. If you notice your attention drifting or shifting away from your partner when they are talking, try gently returning your full attention to your loved one. If you find that you’re just not able to be fully present, then sometimes it’s best to respectfully explain that you’re just not able to talk about the situation “right now” and take a break.
- Be careful not to use this strategy to avoid sensitive topics altogether. If you do need to defer a conversation, be committed to re-engaging at a later time– you may want to even set a specific time to try again.
An important note: simple doesn’t mean easy. Sometimes a new behavior can seem simple or even commonsense, but putting these ideas into practice can prove challenging. Like any new habit, practice and repetition are key to replacing old behaviors with new.
The guidance of a skilled couples counselor can help create a safe environment for partners to explore and practice new ways of relating to each other. Of all psychotherapists, Marriage & Family therapists (MFTs) receive the most extensive training in the specialty of working with couples.
Like with all therapies, the choice about whether to engage in couples counseling is a very personal and individual decision, and the selection of a therapist who you feel can best work with your specific needs is essential.
Feel free to contact me to discuss your questions and possible goals for couples counseling and how I may be able to help.
- Timothy Ford, MA, MFT
What is Integrative Psychotherapy?
I practice Integrative Psychotherapy: a unifying model which views human beings in a holistic manner, addressing the needs and concerns of each person on the emotional, behavioral, cognitive (mental) and physiological levels and incorporating the spiritual dimension of life.
Integrative psychotherapy is flexible and adapted to each client’s specific needs, in terms of goals, approach to treatment and duration.
My approach to integrative psychotherapy is grounded in the fundamental principles of Adlerian psychotherapy (also known as Individual Psychology) originally developed by Alfred Adler and further developed over the past century by esteemed theorists and clinicians into what is commonly referred to as “Contemporary Adlerian Psychotherapy”.
Integrative psychotherapy draws on different psychological theories to provide the therapist with different “lenses” to consider an individual client’s issues and concerns, and different treatment approaches to help facilitate change.
Primary theories and modalities that Tim has integrated into his personal approach to therapy:
- Attachment Theory examines our relationships with our primary caregiver(s) from birth through the first few years of life and how those early relationships shape patterns that affect our adult relationships.
- Narrative Therapy examines how our internalized narrative (“life story”) may be limiting our experiences and choices, and helps us “re-author” a newer, more fulfilling life story.
- Depth Psychology explores how unconscious factors and motivations may be contributing to “self-sabotage”– self-defeating behaviors that hurt us, or those we care about.
- Cognitive Therapy focuses on our belief systems and habitual patterns of thinking, and helps to shape healthier, more adaptive thinking.
- Family Systems Theory suggests that individuals cannot be fully understood in isolation but rather as part of a family unit which strongly influences how we experience the world.
- Existential Therapy explores timeless themes of humanity such as choice, responsibility, loneliness and death; and how we create our own personal meanings from the events in our lives.
Other theories and modalities which Tim integrates include:
- Emotional Intelligence (EI)
- Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
- Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT)
- Interpersonal Psychotherapy (Harry Stack Sullivan)
- Psychosynthesis (Robert Assiagoli) / Multiplicity – Voice Dialogue & Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Clients or clinicians who are interested in more information about how these theories are integrated into psychotherapy are encouraged to contact me.
TransPersona™ Life Coaching
TransPersona™ Life Coaching is a unique professional service that I have developed which combines the practical goal-oriented focus of traditional life coaching with the personal development of transpersonal experience.
The TransPersona™ approach draws upon the work of Carl Jung, Joseph Campbell, Alfred Adler, Robert Assagioli, Ken Wilber and other significant contributors in the fields of Depth Psychology, Spiritual Psychology and transpersonal studies.
Through use of a variety of traditional coaching tools and transpersonal techniques, TransPersona™ Life Coaching can help clients access the powerful creative potential of archetypes, metaphor and intuition and practically apply this knowledge to achieve a more richly fulfilling life and way of being.
Life Coaching is a process of guided self-discovery and self-creation. The TransPersona™ approach can help clients connect to an inner source of inspiration and guidance, to discover higher purposes for life’s journey and to creatively manifest harmony, joy and practical success in their lives.
Life Coaching is a distinct professional service, and not a substitute or alternative for counseling, psychotherapy or other professional services.
Benefits
Depending on the client’s intent and level of commitment, some of the potential benefits that can be anticipated through this work include:
• Guided self-discovery of your “personal paradigm”— your own unique soulful pattern of character, identity and purpose that shapes and gives meaning to your dayto-day and lifelong experience.
• Assessment of your natural strengths and opportunities for individual growth.
• Help in understanding the inner messages and lessons to be learned from situations, relationships, and chronic problems in your life.
• Development of practical and transpersonal skills which can be independently applied to continued growth and personal success.
• Assistance in evaluating what’s working and what isn’t for maximum effectiveness.
• Tangible results in the pursuit of your passions and dreams.
The Process
TransPersona™ Life Coaching involves a collaborative alliance between the client and “Guide” (a.k.a. Coach). The process begins with an initial 90-minute consultation during which specific goals are established for the work. Following the initial consultation, weekly 45-minute coaching sessions are scheduled for a period of approximately three (3) months. These weekly sessions can be in-person or via telephone based on client preference and advance agreement.
During coaching sessions, clients are guided in both practical coaching activities (e.g., goal-setting, skills assessment) as well as transpersonal techniques (e.g., guided imagery, hypnosis and shamanic journey-work).
The coaching process also includes recommended reading and “homework” exercises, and clients are expected to keep a journal during the process.
Clients can elect to continue coaching sessions after the initial 3-month program, and subsequent sessions can be weekly, bi-weekly or monthly depending on client need.
For more information on Life Coaching, including fees and availability, feel free to contact me.
What is Reiki?
There are many forms and methods of energy-based alternative healing that have become popular over the past several decades. Some of the most prominent include Pranic healing, polarity therapy and Quantum Touch to name a few.
One of the most popular modalities, for both self-healing and professional application is Reiki. As a Reiki Master-Teacher (RMT) for the past decade, I’ve often been asked: just what is Reiki?
Reiki can be defined as spiritually guided life force energy. In the practice of Reiki, a master or practitioner acts as a conduit for Ki, guided by spiritual consciousness, with the intent to promote healing and wellness of Mind, Body and Spirit.
Reiki is a Japanese word, comprised of the Kanji characters “Rei” and “Ki”. The word Rei as it is used in Reiki can be interpreted to mean spiritual consciousness.
Ki means the same as Chi in Chinese, and Prana in Sanskrit. Ki is universal life force, the energy that animates all living things. The level and flow of Ki directly affects our health and well-being- physically, mentally and emotionally. Ki can be guided by our minds and spirit. Many Eastern disciplines such as Tai Chi and Qigong are mental and physical practices which are intended to positively influence our Ki.
Reiki is a non-medical, alternative health care treatment that is complementary to traditional (allopathic) medicine, which enhances the body’s ability to heal itself. Reiki is an energy-based healing technique that improves health and enhances the quality of life. Reiki can be used for self-treatment, healing others, and even geographically distant healing.
Reiki Origins
Reiki as it is practiced widely today originated with Dr. Mikao Usui. Historical accounts indicate that Dr. Usui was a Japanese physician who discovered Reiki in 1914 during a transpersonal experience. Soon after, Dr. Usui opened a Reiki clinic and began training others in the “Usui Natural System of Healing” – Usui Shiki Ryoho.
Like many esoteric disciplines, the historical details surrounding Reiki are somewhat controversial. Over time, history becomes legend, and legend becomes myth. The origins of Reiki are mythical, however the experience of Reiki is tangible, and the results are significant.
There are several different systems of Reiki currently taught, in the U.S., Japan and around the world. It is a common tradition among Reiki practitioners to trace their training “lineage” all the way back to the founder, Dr. Usui. My training is in the Usui/Tibetan system developed by William Lee Rand, founder of The International Center for Reiki Training which a web site that provides extensive information on the nature and history of Reiki. If you would like more information, consider visiting their web site at www.reiki.org.
Reiki Treatment
Each individual experiences a Reiki treatment differently. Reiki treatments are comfortable and very relaxing. Many describe Reiki as feeling like “a wonderful glowing radiance”. Many people describe it as a spiritual experience and some experience altered states of consciousness.
Reiki has been used to facilitate healing of minor ailments such as headache, colds, flu, sore throat, fatigue, cuts, bruises and insomnia as well as very serious conditions such as multiple sclerosis, heart disease, and cancer. Reiki improves the effectiveness of other types of therapy. Reiki can improve the results of medical treatment, acting to reduce negative side effects, shorten healing time and reduce or eliminate pain.
Reiki practitioners are not licensed physicians. Reiki is an alternative health care treatment which complements “healing arts services licensed by the state”, i.e., it is complementary to more traditional ‘western’ medicine provided by licensed health care professionals (doctors, nurses etc.). As a alternative/complementary health care service, Reiki does not require licensing by the state of California.
Although medical conditions are often discussed during Reiki treatment, Reiki practitioners do not diagnose conditions, nor do they prescribe substances or perform medical treatment, nor interfere with the treatment of a licensed medical professional. It is recommended that you see a licensed physician or licensed health care professional for any medical or psychological condition you may have.
Reiki Training
Reiki is a powerful yet simple technique to learn. Some people choose to become Reiki Masters so that they can practice Reiki professionally, providing treatments and training to others. But many people choose to study Reiki to simply promote their own wellness through self-treatment, and to treat friends and family members with Reiki. The ability to use Reiki is not learned in the usual sense, but is transferred from a Master-Teacher to a student through an attunement process.
The Usui system is traditionally taught in three levels, by certified Reiki Master-Teachers:
Usui Level I Training
Introduces the student to core principles of Reiki, including the nature of Reiki, the history of the Usui system and how to provide a Reiki treatment. During Level I Training students receive an Usui attunement which allows them to use Reiki for self-treatment and the treatment of others.
Level II Training
Introduces Level I practitioners to the Usui sacred symbols and teaches how to use the symbols to deepen Reiki treatments with healing on the mental/emotional level and how to perform distance healing. During Level II Training students receive an attunement which enhances their connection to Reiki and which allows them to use the Usui symbols.
Usui Level III (Master)
Provides the skills and knowledge for a Level II practitioner to become a certified Master-Teacher in the Usui system of Reiki. During Level III Training the student receives an attunement to additional sacred symbols, which allows them to attune others to Reiki.
I conduct periodic training classes in the Southern California area. For more information on our Reiki training, including cost and availability, please feel free to contact me or visit our Modern Mystics group on Meetup.com.
The secret art of inviting happiness,
The miraculous medicine for all diseases.
At least for today:
Do not be angry,
Do not worry,
Be grateful,
Work with diligence,
Be kind to people.
Every morning and evening, join your hands in meditation and pray with your heart.
State in your mind and chant with your mouth.
For improvement of mind and body.
Usui Reiki Ryōhō.
- the founder, Mikao Usui
Emotional Intelligence
Integrative psychotherapy places emphasis on emotions and how they affect our relationships and satisfaction in life. One of the prominent theories that influences my approach to therapy is Emotional Intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence (EI) is a term that describes our innate ability to work effectively with our emotions. The term came into popular usage based on the bestselling book by Daniel Goleman.
According to Goleman, EI theory describes five main skills:
- Self-Awareness – the ability to identify and interpret our own emotions and moods.
- Empathy – the ability to perceive and interpret emotions in others in faces, pictures, and voices.
- Motivation – harnessing our emotions to facilitate various cognitive activities, such as thinking and problem solving to help us achieve our goals.
- Managing emotions – the ability to regulate emotions in both ourselves and in others.
- Social Skills – the ability to develop and maintain effective, satisfying relationships.
Unlike IQ, which is generally believed to be “fixed” or constant, Emotional Intelligence is something that we can develop and improve, through coaching and practice.
Over the past two decades, EI skill development has been incorporated into educational programs, life coaching, corporate employee training as well as psychotherapy.
This video interview with Daniel Goleman provides a detailed explanation of EI and why it is important to successful relationships and work performance.